1 00:00:44,122 --> 00:00:45,352 Bloody hell! 2 00:00:52,263 --> 00:00:55,160 Why don't you just get a megaphone and finish me off quickly! 3 00:00:56,574 --> 00:01:00,339 Now you know how I felt last night, I was fast akip I was, 4 00:01:00,533 --> 00:01:02,812 when you come in my room and made that horrible noise in my ear! 5 00:01:03,216 --> 00:01:05,434 - Yes, sorry. - That could've killed me! 6 00:01:07,345 --> 00:01:11,675 - D'you reckon? - Where d'you get that trumpet from anyway? 7 00:01:13,024 --> 00:01:14,081 What trumpet? 8 00:01:15,067 --> 00:01:16,732 I felt my heart go all funny. 9 00:01:17,138 --> 00:01:20,205 In my unconscious state I thought it was the abandon ship alarm! 10 00:01:20,481 --> 00:01:23,159 Oh yeah, thought they was playing your tune did you? 11 00:01:23,699 --> 00:01:25,032 Look, I'm sorry, alright? 12 00:01:25,340 --> 00:01:28,464 Yes, that's all very well innit. You could at least say you're sorry! 13 00:01:28,807 --> 00:01:33,015 - I'm sorry! - So, what was it all about last night then? 14 00:01:33,405 --> 00:01:36,540 Well, it's just me and Del, we'd had a right blinding week, 15 00:01:36,710 --> 00:01:40,876 I mean we were selling it before we'd bought it, so we had a bit of a celebration, right. 16 00:01:41,196 --> 00:01:44,834 Anyway, I went down the Nag's Head and, of course, Friday night is disco night innit? 17 00:01:45,229 --> 00:01:49,360 And I met this bird - Helen. Oh, she really is something else. 18 00:01:49,602 --> 00:01:52,789 I mean, she's tall, she's slender, bit older than me, but you know, 19 00:01:52,997 --> 00:01:55,228 I've been brought up to respect me elders. 20 00:01:56,372 --> 00:01:57,634 Was it her trumpet? 21 00:02:00,186 --> 00:02:02,583 I don't know! I don't remember having a bloody trumpet. 22 00:02:02,766 --> 00:02:06,343 Anyway, listen right, you've gotta see this bird, she really is the works. 23 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:09,621 Yeah, everyone in the pub was looking at me, they was as jealous as hell. 24 00:02:10,056 --> 00:02:13,305 Do you know who she looks like? She looks like that Linda Evans out of Dynasty. 25 00:02:15,068 --> 00:02:16,495 Which one's that, Joan Collins? 26 00:02:19,390 --> 00:02:22,320 How can bloody Linda Evans be Joan Collins? 27 00:02:22,845 --> 00:02:25,851 It's Linda Evans, you know, she plays Krystal Carrington! 28 00:02:26,051 --> 00:02:28,451 Oh her, that's a bit tasty innit son? 29 00:02:28,696 --> 00:02:33,596 Yeah, and she's got the right hots for your's truly. I have struck gold, son. 30 00:02:33,796 --> 00:02:35,439 Well, good luck to you boy. 31 00:02:37,935 --> 00:02:41,280 Right, alright, you mouthy old git! What d'you think I am, mutton or something? 32 00:02:41,931 --> 00:02:48,294 Gawd blimey, eh? Oi, Rodney, you were a bit steaming when you came in last night, weren't you, eh? 33 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:51,388 Yeah, well I had something to celebrate didn't I? 34 00:02:51,785 --> 00:02:55,149 Yeah, what, you finally got shot of it then, did ya? 35 00:02:57,445 --> 00:02:58,333 What? 36 00:02:58,508 --> 00:03:00,789 Well, you know, that old dog who was hanging round you last night. 37 00:03:03,416 --> 00:03:04,921 'Old dog?' What d'you mean, 'old dog?' 38 00:03:05,354 --> 00:03:09,447 She was - she was a bit scraggy weren't she. Blimey, she must have been six foot six! 39 00:03:10,831 --> 00:03:13,895 Well yeah, she was tallish. 40 00:03:14,390 --> 00:03:18,889 Tallish? Blimey, not many birds call you shortie do they hey? 41 00:03:20,814 --> 00:03:23,087 He told me she looked like Krystle Carrington. 42 00:03:23,365 --> 00:03:27,264 Krystal Carrington? Crystal bleedin' Palace more like from where I was standing! 43 00:03:27,636 --> 00:03:29,674 Derek, you do not even know the girl. 44 00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:32,966 Yes I do, course I do. Her name was Helen, right? 45 00:03:36,510 --> 00:03:37,398 ...No. 46 00:03:38,411 --> 00:03:42,109 Oh yes it is. 'Cos I know, 'cos they call her Helen of Croydon. 47 00:03:42,652 --> 00:03:44,595 The face that launched a thousand dredgers. 48 00:03:48,686 --> 00:03:50,161 I'll do you a bit of breakfast Del. 49 00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:53,984 No, leave me out Albert. I've got a bit of business to do. No, it's alright. 50 00:03:54,222 --> 00:03:55,853 I tell you what, I could do with a bit of egg and bacon now. 51 00:03:56,192 --> 00:03:58,275 Yeah, well, give Helen of Croydon a bell! 52 00:04:04,699 --> 00:04:08,764 Oi, oi, don't waste it, what's the matter with yer? Give us it. 53 00:04:09,190 --> 00:04:13,083 Well, it's the way he treats me innit, him giving me all that just 'cos I woke him up. 54 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:19,440 So, er, I had a trumpet with me when I came in last night then? 55 00:04:20,929 --> 00:04:22,708 Oh yeah, that's right. 56 00:04:22,882 --> 00:04:26,359 Belongs to Biffo the bear, his group were playing at the Nag's last night, don't you remember? 57 00:04:26,694 --> 00:04:28,008 What's he lend it to me for? 58 00:04:28,349 --> 00:04:29,863 He didn't did he? 59 00:04:30,543 --> 00:04:35,495 Don't you remember, you were so out of your mind at one point last night you went up on the stage, 60 00:04:35,795 --> 00:04:40,072 took his trumpet off him, blew down the wrong end, gave him the V-sign and walked out with it. 61 00:04:41,251 --> 00:04:45,583 - Bloody hell, he's a big bloke an' all ain't he? - And he ain't 'alf in a bad mood an' all. 62 00:04:45,973 --> 00:04:46,771 Why? 63 00:04:46,946 --> 00:04:50,409 Well, you won't believe this, some dozy git nicked his trumpet! 64 00:04:52,188 --> 00:04:55,241 I'll get it back to him today, hey, I'll buy him a drink or something. 65 00:04:55,478 --> 00:04:57,783 Yeah, well, you've got the morning off, 'cos, you know, I'm busy. 66 00:04:58,125 --> 00:05:01,755 - Where you going? - I'm goin' to church. 67 00:05:03,097 --> 00:05:07,114 - Why? - Why not? 68 00:05:12,204 --> 00:05:13,605 See you later. 69 00:05:18,873 --> 00:05:23,108 - Del gone? - He's gone to church! 70 00:05:24,184 --> 00:05:26,740 - Church? Del Boy? - Yeah! 71 00:05:28,229 --> 00:05:31,765 That's funny you know, 'cos he came in from the pub last night, 72 00:05:31,946 --> 00:05:35,058 had a couple of pina coladas and started talking to me about religion. 73 00:05:35,731 --> 00:05:40,390 He asked me if I believed God saw everything - and, if so, did he take notes. 74 00:05:42,262 --> 00:05:45,862 I've seen blokes catch religion before, it's always very sudden like. . 75 00:05:47,657 --> 00:05:49,192 - It's gone. - What's gone? 76 00:05:49,595 --> 00:05:51,314 His Cliff Richard cassette. 77 00:05:52,488 --> 00:05:56,966 Ah, it's most probably nothing son. Maybe he feels the need of a bit of spiritual guidance. 78 00:05:58,019 --> 00:06:03,382 Del? Yeah, maybe you're right Uncle. 79 00:06:03,862 --> 00:06:07,509 Of course I am. I mean, I couldn't honestly see Del Boy 80 00:06:07,688 --> 00:06:13,114 becoming one of yer Burning Bush and Joshua at the battle of Jericho mob, could you? 81 00:06:14,691 --> 00:06:24,002 No, what Del? With the...No of course not! Hey, talking of Joshua, where's that trumpet? 82 00:06:24,620 --> 00:06:25,829 I chucked it down the dust chute. 83 00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:29,815 You did what? That ain't mine, it's Biffo's! He'll mangle my head! 84 00:06:30,012 --> 00:06:32,270 Well it'll teach you not to blow it in my ear 'ole won't it. 85 00:06:32,591 --> 00:06:34,696 Oh, you dopey little git. 86 00:06:45,974 --> 00:06:50,175 Where is it? It can't be that far down, he only chucked it out this morning. 87 00:07:01,697 --> 00:07:06,002 Who'd chuck something like that down a chute? Pigs. 88 00:07:15,036 --> 00:07:22,518 I don't believe it. I don't believe it. How can I give it back to Biffo? 89 00:07:25,257 --> 00:07:31,247 He's bound to notice. Albert! I hate you Albert! 90 00:08:10,371 --> 00:08:14,788 - Shop! - I'll be with you in just a moment! 91 00:08:16,857 --> 00:08:19,562 Right you are, thank you. 92 00:08:51,788 --> 00:08:54,881 Flaming corns, will be the bane of my life. 93 00:09:01,824 --> 00:09:04,985 - Is that you Del Boy? - Yes Father, it's me. 94 00:09:05,599 --> 00:09:08,374 I thought as much! So, how are you these days? 95 00:09:08,888 --> 00:09:10,842 Well, you know, struggling. How's yourself? 96 00:09:11,460 --> 00:09:13,620 Oh, the corns are still giving me gip. 97 00:09:14,725 --> 00:09:19,273 I've got some lovely orthopaedic sandals coming along. I'll pop a pair into you. 98 00:09:19,450 --> 00:09:22,917 Thanks Derek. So, to what do I owe this honour? 99 00:09:26,951 --> 00:09:29,335 I have come to confess my sins. 100 00:09:29,629 --> 00:09:33,318 Oh Derek please.. I've been invited out to dinner this evening. 101 00:09:34,048 --> 00:09:36,299 Well, it's just one main sin really. 102 00:09:37,362 --> 00:09:43,888 Oh thanks be to God for that. Wait a minute. I didn't know you were Catholic. 103 00:09:45,556 --> 00:09:49,678 Well, I don't know do I? I don't know that. 104 00:09:50,028 --> 00:09:52,858 I was only a kid, but me mum was a Catholic. 105 00:09:53,247 --> 00:09:55,376 Have you ever been to this church before? 106 00:09:56,098 --> 00:09:59,324 Of course I have, when me mum and dad got married. 107 00:10:00,903 --> 00:10:03,183 You were just a little baby then! 108 00:10:03,529 --> 00:10:05,804 I mean have you ever been to this church since then? 109 00:10:06,468 --> 00:10:12,299 - Er, no. - Del, my boy, you disappoint me. 110 00:10:12,825 --> 00:10:14,972 I watched The Ten Commandments on the telly. 111 00:10:17,302 --> 00:10:21,744 Look Father, I don't wanna get up there on Judgement Day and find out that I'm on the hit list. 112 00:10:23,181 --> 00:10:26,155 I mean, God sees everything doesn't he? 113 00:10:26,649 --> 00:10:30,906 Look Derek, this is not the God'll Fix it Show. 114 00:10:31,614 --> 00:10:34,908 Forgiveness is only for those who feel shame and remorse. 115 00:10:35,082 --> 00:10:40,516 I do feel shame and remorse. Father, does it matter what religion I am? 116 00:10:40,934 --> 00:10:44,971 Well, I don't know that you're not a Catholic, do I? 117 00:10:45,833 --> 00:10:49,493 That's the spirit, you know it makes sense. 118 00:10:50,394 --> 00:10:57,263 Alright, fire away Del. But the truth mind you, I don't want you lying in my confessional. 119 00:10:57,496 --> 00:10:58,672 Would I lie to you? 120 00:11:02,405 --> 00:11:08,916 Well, about a week ago I bought some gear off a couple of gentlemen. 121 00:11:09,181 --> 00:11:11,053 I bought it in good faith, honest I did. 122 00:11:12,907 --> 00:11:16,534 Appears that last night I found out there was more to it than meets the eye. 123 00:11:16,858 --> 00:11:18,216 I didn't know, honest I didn't. 124 00:11:18,570 --> 00:11:23,689 I mean, I was led like an artificial lamb to the slaughter. 125 00:11:24,414 --> 00:11:29,752 If I'd of known the full SP I would never have taken it on, honest I wouldn't. But you don't ask do you? 126 00:11:29,933 --> 00:11:31,207 Well, you don't Del. 127 00:11:31,380 --> 00:11:35,347 I didn't think I needed to ask, Father, I trusted these two gentlemen. 128 00:11:35,675 --> 00:11:39,818 I believed that they were both honest and upstanding citizens of our community. 129 00:11:40,148 --> 00:11:43,024 - Who were these men? - Sunglasses Ron and Paddy the Greek. 130 00:11:44,909 --> 00:11:51,979 Well, you can't get them more honest and upstanding than them two. I'll give you a choice of penance. 131 00:11:53,042 --> 00:11:57,103 You can either say five Hail Maries and ten Our Fathers 132 00:11:58,454 --> 00:12:02,957 - �or make a little donation to the hospice fund? - Will a score be alright? 133 00:12:08,743 --> 00:12:13,233 - Is that it? All squared? - Your sins have been absolved Del. 134 00:12:13,736 --> 00:12:20,205 - No, no Father, I wanted to be forgiven. - You have been forgiven. 135 00:12:22,497 --> 00:12:30,687 Oh, cushty. So what's the fund for then Father? 136 00:12:30,932 --> 00:12:33,000 Are they building a new extension to the hospice or what? 137 00:12:33,226 --> 00:12:39,017 I wish they were Del. No, unfortunately they're demolishing it. 138 00:12:40,505 --> 00:12:43,243 But why? That's been there for years and years. 139 00:12:43,616 --> 00:12:48,304 Ah, that's the problem. Over the years it's become dilapidated. 140 00:12:48,547 --> 00:12:51,145 They've estimated it'll cost a quarter of a million to repair it, 141 00:12:51,654 --> 00:12:52,911 that's what the fund's for. 142 00:12:54,156 --> 00:12:57,130 But, I'm grieved to say, we've got little or no chance of reaching our target. 143 00:12:57,416 --> 00:13:01,104 Wait a minute, maybe we could organise a charity darts match for you at the Nag's Head. 144 00:13:01,288 --> 00:13:02,536 How much more money d'you need? 145 00:13:02,820 --> 00:13:08,781 - 185,000. - Say I threw a raffle in an' all, eh? 146 00:13:09,971 --> 00:13:13,132 It's very, very kind of you Del, and I do appreciate it. 147 00:13:13,845 --> 00:13:16,246 But I really think this is one battle that we've lost. 148 00:13:17,317 --> 00:13:18,871 They can't knock it down. 149 00:13:19,325 --> 00:13:21,680 What's gonna happen to all the old and the sick people living there? 150 00:13:21,974 --> 00:13:31,389 - Well, they'll move them out first. - I know, I know that. But I mean, to where? 151 00:13:32,130 --> 00:13:37,251 Who knows? They'll probably be disbursed to the four quarters of the metropolis, 152 00:13:37,481 --> 00:13:42,978 far away from their friends and relatives. I mean, they're all local people in St Mary's. 153 00:13:43,144 --> 00:13:46,803 I know, they looked after my old Mum you know, when she was ill. 154 00:13:46,988 --> 00:13:48,860 - So they did. - Treated her well an' all. 155 00:13:49,017 --> 00:14:00,582 And my old Grandad - bless him, he used to moan at 'em a lot. No, they can't knock it down! Can they? 156 00:14:01,044 --> 00:14:05,823 Well, it's out of our hands, look I'll be honest with you Del. 157 00:14:07,411 --> 00:14:10,522 For the past six or seven months, since I first heard of the plans for the hospice, 158 00:14:11,047 --> 00:14:16,880 my faith has been severely tested. All my efforts and prayers have failed. 159 00:14:18,622 --> 00:14:22,018 You know, I feel as if I've let the people down. 160 00:14:22,615 --> 00:14:25,296 Now come on, come on, don't talk like that Father. 161 00:14:25,709 --> 00:14:30,000 Come on, something'll turn up. Remember the old saying? 162 00:14:30,354 --> 00:14:31,983 He who dares wins. 163 00:14:32,428 --> 00:14:41,185 Well, I'll bear it in mind. Say a prayer for me Del. 164 00:14:41,451 --> 00:14:42,612 Yeah, I will. 165 00:14:57,151 --> 00:15:00,891 Sweet Jesus! Derek! 166 00:15:01,914 --> 00:15:05,862 - I'm putting it in, I'm putting it in! - Come down here, quickly! 167 00:15:06,121 --> 00:15:09,233 - What's happening? - Come and see this, hurry! 168 00:15:12,150 --> 00:15:14,575 - What is it? - Look! 169 00:15:40,795 --> 00:15:42,523 It's a miracle. 170 00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:47,722 Don't get many of them round Peckham. 171 00:15:48,671 --> 00:15:50,239 It's a sign Del. 172 00:15:53,167 --> 00:15:55,206 A sign that we can make a fortune! 173 00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:56,443 What? 174 00:15:56,796 --> 00:16:02,590 Can't you see what we've got ourselves? An authentic, delux miracle. They go for a bomb these days. 175 00:16:02,858 --> 00:16:05,993 How do you talk about money at a time like this? 176 00:16:06,152 --> 00:16:08,145 Well, what d'you wanna talk about, yer holidays? 177 00:16:08,774 --> 00:16:10,928 Don't you see the opportunity you're being presented with here? 178 00:16:11,316 --> 00:16:14,636 People will pay hard cash just to see this sort of thing. 179 00:16:15,034 --> 00:16:20,405 Look, I have no intention of turning my church into some fairground peep show. 180 00:16:21,051 --> 00:16:26,346 And how could I charge my own flock to see their miracle? 181 00:16:26,688 --> 00:16:30,060 I'm not talking about your flock. I'm talking about the newspapers, the magazines, the television! 182 00:16:30,333 --> 00:16:33,873 The media people will pay through their noses just to get this sort of thing on their front pages! 183 00:16:34,252 --> 00:16:35,700 I don't know if it's right Derek. 184 00:16:36,025 --> 00:16:38,950 See those old people down at St Mary's hospice, they'd think it right wouldn't they? 185 00:16:39,187 --> 00:16:41,299 Listen to me, with the money you could earn out of this, 186 00:16:41,472 --> 00:16:45,956 you could have that place repaired, redecorated and get Samantha Fox to reopen it for yer! 187 00:16:47,648 --> 00:16:48,730 D'you really think we could? 188 00:16:48,978 --> 00:16:52,398 Yeah of course. I mean she don't come cheap, but I'll see what I can do. 189 00:16:52,728 --> 00:16:58,226 No, I mean save the hospice? 190 00:16:58,397 --> 00:17:00,205 Of course, of course we can. It'll be a doddle. Where's your phone? 191 00:17:01,092 --> 00:17:04,320 It's alright, I'll find it, you stay here. 192 00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:11,551 - I don't think I could exploit... - No, you couldn't Father, but I'm shit hot at it! 193 00:17:19,015 --> 00:17:23,653 - Look at it! Just look at it will you! - Get that thing away from me. 194 00:17:24,393 --> 00:17:28,013 What am I supposed to tell Biffo? I let Yuri Geller have a go on it! 195 00:17:28,870 --> 00:17:30,885 Tell him what you want son, ain't my problem. 196 00:17:31,290 --> 00:17:34,341 And you chucked all that rubbish down the chute knowing that I was at the bottom! 197 00:17:34,506 --> 00:17:35,998 I've had to have a shower and everything. 198 00:17:36,213 --> 00:17:39,051 I didn't chuck the rubbish down the chute. It must have been one of the neighbours. 199 00:17:39,286 --> 00:17:42,833 - I found your kipper. - It could have been anyone's kipper. 200 00:17:43,022 --> 00:17:50,461 - Oh yeah, and how many kippers wear Brut? - Is that what that horrible taste was? 201 00:17:50,704 --> 00:17:53,177 - Yeah. - You sprinkled it with after-shave? 202 00:17:53,351 --> 00:17:54,914 Yes I did to get even with you. 203 00:17:55,071 --> 00:17:57,104 I wish I hadn't told you where your trumpet was now. 204 00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:58,703 So do I actually. 205 00:17:59,804 --> 00:18:01,033 Hold that. 206 00:18:05,406 --> 00:18:12,145 Hello. Del, you wanna see what Rumplestiltskin's done to this trumpet, he's only gone and chucked... 207 00:18:13,154 --> 00:18:22,452 Oh, sorry! What'd you mean, phone Reuters? You've seen a what? 208 00:18:24,477 --> 00:18:31,185 What happened, did Boycie buy a round? Alright, alright, keep your hair on! 209 00:18:32,490 --> 00:18:40,156 Yeah, bloody hell, hold on... 210 00:18:44,016 --> 00:18:50,709 Yeah, right, ok - Reuters, Tass, Peckham Echo... 211 00:18:53,420 --> 00:19:01,685 Oh right, BBC...ITV... Right, what about channel Four? Oh no, right ok. 212 00:19:02,444 --> 00:19:09,237 Yeah, I've got it all, it's all here mate. Yeah, take care, I'll see you later on, see ya. Bye. 213 00:19:11,194 --> 00:19:16,146 - He's flipped. He's completely bloody loopy! - Why, what's happened? 214 00:19:17,003 --> 00:19:19,462 - He's seen a miracle. - A miracle? 215 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:26,131 Well, that's what the man said. Hang on a minute. Last night he was talking about God. 216 00:19:26,583 --> 00:19:33,141 This morning he went to church, this afternoon he's seen a miracle. It can only mean one thing. 217 00:19:33,455 --> 00:19:34,775 He's caught religion. 218 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:39,293 No, he's pulling a stroke ain't he? Oh, come on, think about it. 219 00:19:39,460 --> 00:19:42,481 There are Cardinals and Archbishops - they've been in the business all their lives 220 00:19:42,654 --> 00:19:44,069 and never got a sniff of a miracle. 221 00:19:44,670 --> 00:19:48,486 Then along comes Del, he's in the game five minutes and already he's a prophet. 222 00:19:50,601 --> 00:19:55,581 Profit being the operative word! How's he gonna make money out of the church? 223 00:20:08,181 --> 00:20:09,399 Nothing's happening Del. 224 00:20:10,179 --> 00:20:12,764 They've been waiting three days, and nothing's happened. 225 00:20:14,770 --> 00:20:16,259 Here Father, look at these contracts. 226 00:20:16,658 --> 00:20:17,896 I worked them out in such a way that 227 00:20:17,931 --> 00:20:21,690 if they want to sell any of the photographs or the film of the miracle anywhere else in the world, 228 00:20:21,725 --> 00:20:24,580 - �they've got to pay you again, look see. - You've made them sign contracts? 229 00:20:24,615 --> 00:20:28,261 Of course I have, it's business innit? No poppy, no picture, that's my motto. 230 00:20:28,691 --> 00:20:30,620 But what happens if the miracle doesn't occur again? 231 00:20:31,642 --> 00:20:33,172 Well, we give 'em their money back, I suppose. 232 00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:37,662 But don't worry, don't worry. I always get this feeling when the miracle's due 233 00:20:38,869 --> 00:20:40,477 and I've got a feeling it could be pretty son too. 234 00:20:41,081 --> 00:20:43,750 - Well, I hope you're right. - Trust me, trust me. 235 00:20:46,599 --> 00:20:50,817 - No luck? - You know, sort of. Here take a butchers at that will ya. 236 00:20:54,417 --> 00:20:55,621 They're paying you all that money? 237 00:20:57,779 --> 00:21:00,519 Well, it's not every day that they get a chance to see a miracle is it, eh? 238 00:21:00,834 --> 00:21:04,165 And that's just the British media, you wait till the rest of the world's press gets here. 239 00:21:04,524 --> 00:21:06,203 - Look at all these noughts Rodney. - Yeah. 240 00:21:06,382 --> 00:21:08,667 - You can see his game now can't yer? - What are you talking about? 241 00:21:09,098 --> 00:21:10,582 You're gonna cream some off ain't yer? 242 00:21:11,589 --> 00:21:12,864 Now you listen to me Albert, 243 00:21:13,042 --> 00:21:15,491 I am not the kind of bloke who cheats on the sick and the elderly. 244 00:21:15,935 --> 00:21:21,257 You put your peepers down there, you'll see that all cheques are made payable to St Mary's hospice fund! 245 00:21:21,547 --> 00:21:22,482 Sorry son. 246 00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:26,908 That's alright. I simply want to keep that place open, and you'd better pray I succeed! 247 00:21:27,191 --> 00:21:27,902 Why? 248 00:21:27,937 --> 00:21:30,823 'Cos one more crack out of you and you're gonna be their next client! 249 00:21:31,814 --> 00:21:34,098 David, take a look at this will you! 250 00:21:50,355 --> 00:21:51,738 Take a look at that one Rodney. 251 00:22:00,761 --> 00:22:04,169 - Good day, Australian Broadcasting. - Good day to you. Sign that pal. 252 00:22:05,008 --> 00:22:05,811 Well what is it? 253 00:22:06,327 --> 00:22:10,641 That tells you how much you've gotta pay to take pictures of the finest little miracle this side of Heaven. 254 00:22:12,082 --> 00:22:17,846 Struth! Stone the crows! 255 00:22:18,232 --> 00:22:20,194 I tell you what we're gonna do, while we're waiting, save us getting bored, 256 00:22:20,347 --> 00:22:21,843 we're gonna have another little collection. 257 00:22:22,107 --> 00:22:25,202 Alright, there we go, come on, that's it thank you very much. 258 00:22:25,386 --> 00:22:28,761 Come on everybody, now let's dig deeply, it's for the poor and needy. 259 00:22:30,158 --> 00:22:32,466 No coins please, because it scratches the pewter. 260 00:22:34,249 --> 00:22:37,807 Thank you, and you, danke schon, merci bo-coo. Very nice. Thank you. 261 00:22:38,501 --> 00:22:42,069 - Hello, now they're off and running! - Get that camera over here. 262 00:22:42,276 --> 00:22:43,524 Just a minute, just a minute. 263 00:22:43,700 --> 00:22:47,181 Have you signed that contract please? Thank you. 264 00:22:47,978 --> 00:22:49,417 Oi mind the camera there will yer? 265 00:22:50,418 --> 00:22:54,878 Thank you very much. There you are Rodney, it's done, my son. 266 00:22:58,071 --> 00:22:59,752 This is the happiest day in my life. 267 00:23:00,347 --> 00:23:05,115 Yeah, I know what you mean Father. It's rien ne va plus as the French would say... 268 00:23:09,216 --> 00:23:10,347 Where's the brolly? 269 00:23:10,756 --> 00:23:11,887 Sign that will you. 270 00:23:12,088 --> 00:23:14,896 Oh yeah, sure, who's it for then, the wife or the kids? 271 00:23:15,547 --> 00:23:17,730 That's a receipt for all the collections. 272 00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:21,416 - Hey, oh right. - Oi Bruce! 273 00:23:22,609 --> 00:23:23,823 Why are they all called Bruce? 274 00:23:24,005 --> 00:23:24,979 - Mr Trotter? - Yes? 275 00:23:25,146 --> 00:23:30,593 Sandra Cox, NBC, New York. Father O'Keith told me that you actually prophesied the miracles. 276 00:23:31,086 --> 00:23:32,979 Um, yes, that's true, that's me. 277 00:23:33,427 --> 00:23:37,241 I wonder if we might have a short interview for our viewers over in the States? 278 00:23:38,386 --> 00:23:39,549 Yes, of course. 279 00:23:41,429 --> 00:23:43,173 Make-up? Is there some make-up there? 280 00:23:47,637 --> 00:23:49,041 Everyone gone? 281 00:23:49,858 --> 00:23:55,467 Oh, yes, yes they have all they need. And so do we. All thanks to your nephew. 282 00:23:55,790 --> 00:23:57,940 Yeah, he brought you nothing but luck, didn't he? 283 00:23:58,197 --> 00:24:00,679 Unfortunately he also brings the weather with him. 284 00:24:01,172 --> 00:24:05,093 Every time he's prophesied the miracle it's been pouring with rain. 285 00:24:20,989 --> 00:24:23,901 And what form do these 'divine' messages take? 286 00:24:27,192 --> 00:24:32,324 What happens is that I get this strange sort of feeling from the centre of my body. 287 00:24:33,032 --> 00:24:35,095 At first, I thought it was a dodgy mutton tikka. 288 00:24:35,767 --> 00:24:41,617 Then I realised I was in fact a prophet. Many are called, but I'm afraid, few are chosen. 289 00:24:45,127 --> 00:24:50,096 I do not want any reward for the work I have done for the elderly and sick in the community. 290 00:24:50,670 --> 00:24:53,987 No medals, no OBEs, no Nobel Prizes. 291 00:24:54,184 --> 00:24:58,958 I would like to think, however, if there is enough money left after repairing the hospice 292 00:24:59,332 --> 00:25:04,188 that they might build a new wing and perhaps name it after me. This would... 293 00:25:04,359 --> 00:25:06,498 - Thank you. - Come with me! 294 00:25:09,779 --> 00:25:14,222 Sorry viewers, the Lord's work calls. Rodney Trotter signing off. 295 00:25:15,625 --> 00:25:16,656 Oh, cut. . 296 00:25:19,584 --> 00:25:22,815 Bit dirty up here, innit? Don't shove, don't shove. 297 00:25:27,836 --> 00:25:29,269 Look at my roof! 298 00:25:32,107 --> 00:25:35,907 Bloody hell! Sorry. 299 00:25:37,521 --> 00:25:50,324 And look! The water seeping through the floor across the joist onto the lamp and right onto the statue. 300 00:25:50,855 --> 00:25:54,452 This isn't a miracle, it's a flaming leak! 301 00:25:56,409 --> 00:26:01,875 - Oh, that's a turn-up, innit? - Somebody's stolen the lead. 302 00:26:02,791 --> 00:26:04,851 You can't trust anyone these days can you, eh? 303 00:26:06,441 --> 00:26:10,757 No, wait, you're in luck, because we've got a load of lead in our ga... 304 00:26:16,196 --> 00:26:17,762 I don't believe you! 305 00:26:18,049 --> 00:26:22,679 So this is what you bought off Sunglasses Ron and Paddy the Greek isn't it? 306 00:26:23,847 --> 00:26:29,451 I didn't know at the time, otherwise I wouldn't have touched it. That's what I come to tell you. 307 00:26:29,666 --> 00:26:33,578 - But you didn't tell me. - No, I'm not a grass, am I? 308 00:26:34,602 --> 00:26:36,743 You knew all along it was no miracle, 309 00:26:37,297 --> 00:26:42,196 you weren't receiving divine messages, you were listening to the weather forecast! 310 00:26:43,962 --> 00:26:46,962 Yeah, we saved St Mary's though, didn't we. 311 00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:51,581 Derek, look me in the eyes! 312 00:26:55,846 --> 00:27:00,597 Are you telling me that for the sake of some small, decrepit old building, 313 00:27:01,107 --> 00:27:05,031 you created this whole tissue of lies and deceit? 314 00:27:05,671 --> 00:27:08,787 You deliberately and willingly set out to defraud 315 00:27:09,003 --> 00:27:13,693 all those newspapers and television companies out of thousands and thousands of pounds? 316 00:27:14,150 --> 00:27:15,552 Is that what you're telling me? 317 00:27:24,724 --> 00:27:27,321 God bless you my son! 318 00:27:33,617 --> 00:27:39,943 I was gonna do some lecture tours, organise prayer meetings at Wembley you know, that sort of thing. 319 00:27:41,010 --> 00:27:43,336 This time next year we was gonna be millionaires! 320 00:27:43,753 --> 00:27:47,610 This time next year you'd have been a prison inmate unless you watch your step! 321 00:27:47,932 --> 00:27:50,799 If I was you Derek, I would keep a very low profile. 322 00:27:51,409 --> 00:27:52,983 Thank you very much. Thank you for your cooperation. 323 00:28:06,718 --> 00:28:12,015 - Where's my trumpet? - Oh hello, Biffo, how are you? 324 00:28:12,435 --> 00:28:14,253 Where's my trumpet? 325 00:28:14,706 --> 00:28:20,534 Your trumpet. Yeah, there's been a bit of a hitch on the old trumpet front, mate. 326 00:28:20,723 --> 00:28:22,096 See that old man over there? 327 00:28:23,473 --> 00:28:25,202 Oi! Where's my trumpet? 328 00:28:25,468 --> 00:28:26,833 Ain't you gonna do something? 329 00:28:27,174 --> 00:28:28,667 Yeah, course I am! 330 00:28:29,027 --> 00:28:32,518 Oi, do you want to film some authentic inner city violence? 331 00:28:32,954 --> 00:28:35,046 Come on, bring yer cameras, bring your wallets. 332 00:28:35,629 --> 00:28:37,120 Rodney, not so fast! 333 00:28:40,270 --> 00:28:44,371 Subtitles by NVL